Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
So many bounce houses so little time
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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