Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I deserve this hangover.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
