i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
