the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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