my phone needs a breathalizer
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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