hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
