1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
