Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
