Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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