i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
