Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
