I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
