Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We left an ass print on the piano.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Holy sore nipples Batman
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
