she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
