I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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