this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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