My Higher Power is John Stamos
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
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