My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
