Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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