You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
