Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
