There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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