I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
