4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
