I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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