i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
