I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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