There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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