She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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