Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
