Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I understand Curling. That high.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
