i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
