do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
