Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
