oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
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My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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