were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
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The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
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Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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