Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
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woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
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I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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