Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
