you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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