I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
