Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
