Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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