I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
People in love make me want to vomit
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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