I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
