Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
