Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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