if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
She's JV to your varsity
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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