Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
