Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
