this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Randomize
