First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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