Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
