I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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