I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
