I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
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