gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
