The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
