After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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