remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
