So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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