Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
