My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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