I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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