oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
