why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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