from now on my penis is your penis
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
