I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
