I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
